


so alone (for so long)

by annanobody



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, i don't know yet, kind of based on real life story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-17 07:49:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16091228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annanobody/pseuds/annanobody
Summary: "Maybe I'm truly cursed, hyung," Jinyoung said as he sipped his coffee that's slowly turning cold. Jaebum turned his head at the sentence, looking at the younger worriedly."You're not cursed, Jinyoung-ah. Stop saying that."*Jinyoung had been alone for so long he barely remembered what it felt to love and be loved.





	so alone (for so long)

**Author's Note:**

> loosely based by a real life story, though modified a little bit. title taken from shiloh dynasty's so long, so long (or so low so long), which i recommend listening while reading the story.

Jinyoung couldn’t sleep. Again. It’s probably the fourth (or maybe fifth, Jinyoung hadn’t really been counting) night that week that he couldn’t seem to fall asleep. He sighed and got up, accepting the fact that he’d have to go through another sleepless night. Tossing away his blanket, he grabbed his robe and walked to the bedroom window. He opened his curtain and stared out to the blinking city below him. By any means, Jinyoung didn’t live on a fancy apartment, but he got lucky for getting a room on one of top floors of the building, which gave him a magnificent sight of Seoul. He checked the clock on his bedside table and it blinked back to him saying 1:31 am. They said New York is the city that never sleeps, but right now, Jinyoung thought Seoul looked pretty much awake to him – just like how he’d been for the past few days ever since he received an invitation.

No, more like, the invitation.

The wedding invitation.

From his ex of 2 years.

It’s funny, looking back at it. Jinyoung could remember the other man said _Please don’t leave me_ and _Okay, if this is your decision. But just so you see, I’ll come back to you again once I’d succeeded, Jinyoung-ah._ That was… what, five years ago? Jinyoung broke up with Jackson after their high school graduation, after finding out Jackson had to go to an university in the US. At that time, Jinyoung decided to break their relationship for a couple of reasons: 1) He might not be able to maintain a long distance relationship, 2) He’d had enough of Jackson’s behavior. Or maybe Jinyoung couldn’t trust Jackson enough. He’s not sure.

Jackson was one of those famous kids in school that everyone knew the name and the face of. Walking down the hallways, Jackson would always get greeted by various students, ranging from upperclassmen to those of the same year with them. Jackson was older than Jinyoung, though not much, but he still could start a year before him, but for whatever reason he got into the school the same year with Jinyoung. They were classmates during their freshman year. Jackson was a shoulder to lean on to, since Jinyoung’s freshman year was, in a word, a mess. He had a hard time bonding with his classmates. Once he got close to them, something happened and suddenly he’s friendless again. Until Jackson Wang came along.

(There’s this guy that Jinyoung was close with. He went to the same middle school with Jinyoung. Jinyoung barely remembered he had a crush on the boy during his freshman year in middle school, but then the boy confessed to his bestfriend – who was a girl – and they dated for a while. It’s okay. Jinyoung wasn’t bothered by it at all. Eventually, he drifted away from this bestfriend because they never got the same class again, so he didn’t know much about what happened with her and this boy. It’s not until high school that he found out the boy also harbored feelings toward him but he was too scared to confess, Jinyoung being a guy and all. He laughed it off and they got closer – which Jinyoung thought was partly his fault. He enjoyed the boy’s company, but he’s not sure why, the boy started acting weird and distanced himself from Jinyoung and his classmates. Jinyoung would get stares everytime the boy started strumming his guitar at the back of the class singing sad love songs, or when the boy kicked a desk and made everyone jump in shock. It was Jinyoung’s fault. It was all on Jinyoung. Jinyoung made him this way – at least that’s what his classmates thought.)

He was close with only very few people in his class, a bunny looking guy called Kim Dongyoung and his bestfriend, Jung Jaehyun. They were the only people Jinyoung had daily conversations with, until Jackson Wang. As they got closer, the rest of his classmates got even more distant. They (especially the girls) started pointing fingers and thought his closeness with Jackson was what caused him and the other boy (the one who’s slowly losing his mind and Jinyoung’s not sure why) to drift apart. It hurt, when the people you had to spend an entire year with talked behind your back and it’s not even something entirely true. But Jinyoung decided to not pay any attention to it and focused on his study instead.

Jinyoung was not a brilliant student, but he’s not stupid either. He should’ve seen it coming miles away, but he didn’t and he let it happened before his eyes. Jackson confessed to him after their trip with their classmates. _I’ve liked you for a while, Jinyoung,_ he said. _I’ve always had my eyes on you, but then you’re close with Hyunwoo, and he seemed to like you too and I didn’t have the heart to say anything when he talked to me about his feelings so I just kept it,_ he also said. _But then he started getting distant, you know. I don’t know what’s wrong. He wouldn’t talk to me either. And we also started to talk and get closer… I’m sorry. I can’t help it,_ was what Jackson also said. After all these years, Jinyoung could still remember the exact words the older boy said to him.

Jinyoung sighed as he moved to the kitchen, his thoughts turning into a black hole, sucking him into his past he clearly didn’t like remembering. Grabbing a glass of cold water, he walked over to his dining table and decided to sit down. All the remembering made his head ache, but he couldn’t stop his train of thoughts. He never could. So he just let his brain walked him down the memory lane. It’s like the thing was laughing at him and his heart, which was slowly curling and made it slightly harder for him to breathe.

Jinyoung remembered he and Jackson got together during the holiday of his freshman year in high school. That time, he wasn’t sure if he had any romantic feelings toward the other, but he didn’t want to lose him either. _If you don’t like me, that’s fine. I’ll stay away from you and won’t bother you anymore,_ was what Jackson said that made Jinyoung almost lost his mind. Over the past months, that time, he became so dependent of Jackson that the thought of losing his bestfriend scared him. So he accepted him. They started dating and as school started again, they became a hot topic. Jinyoung was not by any means well-known by other students, sure he knew few students from other classes here and there but it was nothing compared to Jackson. After they started dating, everyone knew who Park Jinyoung was: _oh, the guy Jackson Wang was dating, right?_

Throughout time, Jinyoung started falling for Jackson. He was really sweet, offering to pick Jinyoung up and taking him to places he wanted to go but couldn’t because he didn’t have enough bus money. He bought him lunch from time to time. He would pat Jinyoung’s head and held his hand, not bothering to his surroundings. But as much as the other was good to him by the others’ eyes, he wasn’t that nice to Jinyoung behind the scene. He was possessive, extremely protective of Jinyoung. Some would say it’s such a sweet trait, meaning they cared about you deeply. It’s dumb. Even back then Jinyoung knew it was a start to an unhealthy relationship.

They fought a couple of times. With the fight always ending in Jinyoung crying, begging him to not break up with him. (Jinyoung was scared, so scared if Jackson left him, he wouldn’t have anyone else.) Jinyoung didn’t really have any close friend during high school, so Jackson was the only person he’s close to. That too, wasn’t like what Jinyoung expected. With Jackson, Jinyoung always tried his best to be the best boyfriend. He always replied his texts, came over to have lunch with him (even though their classes were so far away from each other but Jackson demanded him to have lunch with him at his class every day), listened to his rants about whatever happening in his life, and everything else. Sometimes Jinyoung felt that was the least he could do for Jackson, the older being the only son in the house, while his big sister dated a problematic man and his mother was a single parent. It’s sad, really. Jinyoung knew so much about his family condition, but Jackson barely knew about him and his family. (Jinyoung told himself a lot of time that he should be thankful he still had both of his parents, even though they constantly fought, and he couldn’t keep a good relationship with both of his parents - try putting him and his mother in a room alone. After 5 minutes, you could hear from outside yells and shouts. But still, Jinyoung should be thankful, right?)

There was that one time. Jinyoung remembered clearly as he took another gulp of his water – now not so cold anymore after being left in the open. He was working with a group of friends for a project to be submitted in few days. It was during their senior year. Jinyoung was planning to go home when Jackson offered to pick him up and take him home. He refused, of course. Jackson’s house was not near from the place he was working at, it would probably take 30 to 40 minutes. Besides, it was getting cloudy and Jinyoung didn’t want to risk him, or worse, both of them, getting caught in the rain. So he went with an alternative one of his friends offered him. _Do you want to ride home with me?_ Jinyoung knew the guy. He was a nice guy and an even nicer classmate. But Jinyoung knew the other had no interest in him at all since guys were not what he was after. _Sure, why not. Can you drop me off at my grandma’s? It’s closer to your place,_ Jinyoung replied. They agreed and said goodbye to their classmates.

True to what Jinyoung had thought, it started raining, heavily. Thankfully his friend brought a raincoat with him (they were riding a motorbike so he was very thankful for the existence of the raincoat) and put it on. It managed to keep most of the front of his shirt, his head and his bag dry. Of course, the news wasn’t received well at all by Jackson. He got mad, real mad, that they had to talk for _hours_ until Jinyoung could barely breathe muttering _I’m sorry, please forgive me, please don’t break up with me._ It was probably around 2 or 2.30 in the morning until Jackson finally calmed down and Jinyoung could fall asleep. (His mother might not have stared at his puffy eyes weirdly, but she decided to not say anything.)

Sighing heavily, he rubbed his face with both of his hands, trying to keep his tears at bay from the memories of his ex. That wasn’t the only time Jackson got mad over something so silly, yet when the same thing happened to Jinyoung, he was never allowed to get angry. _I’m tired, Jackson. I want to end this,_ he remembered saying to Jackson one time. Jackson was so desperate to keep him. He even brought Jinyoung home (which he got somewhat familiar after a couple of time spending there) and talked him out of it. Of course, Jinyoung lost.

As always.

As much as he despised Jackson, he was also the first man Jinyoung got intimate with. It was… truly an experience. The first few times were fun, but over time Jackson got more and more reckless, by asking him (or more like talking Jinyoung into it with _Why? I thought you loved me_ and _Can’t I be intimate with someone I love?_ Plus _Come on, I know you like it too_ and Jinyoung was basically tired of the same thing over and over again that he decided to get on with it even though it no longer got him excited or anything) to do it at public places; at the cinema, fire escape staircase, in the car and others. It stressed him out to no end, and when Jinyoung addressed the matter to Jackson he only yelled back at him _How dare you think so low of me. You think I’m sort of a sexual predator or something?_ Yes, Jinyoung would say, but then it would anger him more so he apologized, and decided to not bring it up again.

But then graduation was coming, and he was reaching his limit. His parents were pushing him to study something he didn’t like, his relationship with his boyfriend was getting even unhealthier as the older kept being possessive and guilt-tripping him to do things he didn’t want to and his academics were nowhere good enough to make it into top university. He was dying, and he had no one to talk to about it since he didn’t have any close friends (how could he when Jackson always dragged him away during recess and after classes). He fell into depression, even worse than when he was younger. He no longer cut himself, but he would spend nights crying silently, banging his head on the wall or refusing to eat. But no one noticed. Jinyoung always kept a strong façade in front of everyone so they would not ask questions. They wouldn’t think much of the bag under his eyes – _probably from the stress of studying, I mean same,_ Jinyoung remembered one of his classmates said – or how he got really ill one day that he got hospitalized and how he lost so much weight. Of course, it’s just stress from studying. Of course.

He broke up with Jackson eventually, refusing to listen to any of Jackson’s words and decided to leave. That’s when those words came out of his mouth and he couldn’t help but snort remembering it _, I’ll come back to you again once I’d succeeded, Jinyoung-ah._ Yeah right. With a wedding invitation.

Jinyoung got up from the chair, pushing it back to the table as he walked over to his couch and turning the TV on. A random old romance movie was playing, it being black and white and the dresses and suits looked like it was from the 50s or 60s. Being a closet romantic yet not experiencing any romance in his life, he low key despised romance movies. But he let the movie playing in the background as he grabbed his phone that he left on the couch earlier that evening (he was too tired to bring it to his room, he didn’t care enough and beside, no one would bother texting him or anything). 2:00 am, it says. He unlocked it and opened his high school group chat. There it was. The wedding invitation.

_We invited you to the wedding of_

_Jackson Wang and Mark Tuan_

Jinyoung remembered Mark Tuan, not knowing the guy personally but he saw photos of him here and there on Jackson’s instagram. Clearly they had been dating for a while, but he was surprised when Jackson decided to get married this early. He’s still young, 24, just like Jinyoung, but maybe because he already had a job with constant income, he decided to tie the knot anyway. Mark was really handsome, pretty even in some ways that he wasn’t. No, Jinyoung wasn’t jealous at all. Clearly he didn’t care about Jackson and his relationships anymore.

But perhaps, Jinyoung was a tad jealous at his accomplishments. Graduated right on time (unlike Jinyoung who spent 1 more semester working on a thesis which was still shit by the end of the day), had a job, managed to feed not just himself but his mother. Meanwhile Jinyoung? Still working as a freelancer here and there, barely making enough money for himself. He’s kind of thankful his apartment expenses were covered by his father – whom he didn’t really talk to anymore but the old man said _If I didn’t at least for your apartment, your grandmother wouldn’t stop nagging at me_ at the night Jinyoung decided to move out of the household. It doesn’t mean Jinyoung can feed himself properly. Some days he would barely eat, other days his stomach would only be fed with coffee and a little bit of bread from the café he was a regular at. The café where he met Im Jaebum.

Speaking of Im Jaebum, was he still awake? Gnawing on lip, he decided to push his luck and decided to text him.

_Are you awake?_

Surprisingly, the reply was immediate.

_Yes, I was just closing the café. Why are you awake?_

Oh, right. Jinyoung forgot that the café was open until 1 am, truly a safe haven for those who need place to cram or meet their deadlines. Not to mention the coffee that Jaebum brewed was really good and the price was surprisingly cheap for a coffee with such quality.

_Can’t sleep. Can we meet?_

_Sure. I’ll come over in 15._

Jinyoung tossed his phone away as he ran his fingers through his hair. Was meeting Jaebum a good decision when his mind was filled with such thoughts?

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I love Jackson Wang with my heart and soul and I am sorry for making him the bad guy, but I couldn't think of any other name to use. Also, english is not my first language so sorry for any grammatical error. Kudos and comments will be very much appreciated!


End file.
